Always Forever

"You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love, my life, always forever." -Phil Wickham

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Belief

December 4, Night

Lord, is it really true that I will be living off campus next semester? I can hardly believe it. The joy, the disbelief, the utter amazement—what a laugh! I hardly know how to think or speak. Mai as my oneechan, Colin my “brother-in-law,” and I’ll be back at the little house on the road past Valencia Dr. by the great Lake Parker. What a miracle! So I didn’t even know what I meant when I said to Jenn Neechan, miracles do happen. That means no more early morning classes, no more chapel required, no more stomaching westernized meals, running laundry marathons, or pining for a hot bath. It does mean, however, spiritual nourishment would come directly from church and friendship, less dependent on campus-fostered atmosphere.

I have no one here. I would only have Mish and Rebecca and Ryan. And they can all come visit me anytime they want, there would be plenty of food to share. Was I ever miserable there? I’m sure, yes. I was tired of riding back and forth every day, it tired me. I hated work, too, a drudgery. Endless phonecalls and monotony. It was just for survival—the paycheck spoke volumes. When I came home, there was some other random movie I couldn’t resist watching. :P I’d want to be an introvert. And the quiet, too, at times strangely lacking. I remember escaping to Michael’s house, a wood cabin tucked away in silence. The opaque dim-lit room had a certain coziness against the open-windowed kitchen, and that, I didn’t have. But over Thanksgiving, the livingroom had been painted a deep green, the house feels luxurious, comfortable. The sushi and rice cakes gave me thrills beyond words. And the hot tea. I felt my bones soaking up the warmth, melting away stress, grief, sorrow….



I couldn’t believe what it’s like to live, at home. The key to the house, I still have it on the chain of my wallet. Hanah excited as ever and Moo nonchalant as ever. The fishless fishtank with shells noiseless as ever. The feeling of flower petal and sheets in the wind still vivid in my imagination. It was a beautiful place. And I had felt comfortable there. Truly.

If so, life would be altered. Mai would drive me to school each day, before 10am for her ballet, that is, until I get licensed to, get this, a motorcycle. Yes, and the best part, it was my dad's idea. Though I had complained that he gave me too much independence, to the point of neglecting me, Laissez-fair parenting does come with its perks. I must acquire one like the turquoise moped we saw on the way to Tampa that one time. It was unbearably cute.

Plus, I get all the cool parking spaces.

Anyway.

I would no longer have to attend chapel, meetings, or endless lunch appointments, but rather munch on a sandwich in the cafe and type my papers, go to class. Then home.

My schedule would look something like this:

ENGL 4633 01 WOMEN LITERATURE - DeBorde, Alisa (TR 10:35-11:50 AM)

ENGL 4643 01 ROMANTIC LITERURE - Ziemann, Irvin (TR 12:00-1:15 PM)

ENGL 3113 01 INTEGRATNG FAITH - Cotton, Rickey (TR 1:25-2:40 PM)

ENGL 3233 01 MJR BRIT AUTHOR - Dempster, Marlon (TR 2:50-4:05 PM)


Toss in work @ the ACE somewhere here...

ENGL 3433 02 ADV EXPOSI WRIT - Cotton, Rickey (MWF 2:00-2:50 PM)

ENGL 4733 01 LIT THEORY - Smith, David (MWF 3:00-3:50 PM)

I'm sure I'll still be working for WSEU Radio, encouraging young students to step out, to dare do a show, to grow in a profession. To have their voice heard.

Academically, this is sensible and satisfying a schedule for the English major. Certainly, also a financial miracle and blessing. Emotionally, at least I’ll be away from those who have hurt me, or I allowed myeslf foolishly to be hurt, and spiritually, only that God would take a hold of me, somehow. Take me to a church home where I can be nourished back to health. Where I can serve with truly devoted sincerity. I long to be part of one who loves.

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